What to do today? Well, I don't have much choice other than reading or sitting around the house and watching crap television that isn't really all that interesting. I am about to go forth and spend what little money I do have on my prescriptions that i need in order to function properly. Ah, my mom just gave me some money so that I may go and get my oil changed in my car, which is badly needed, but I also need gas, but i think that can hold off until a little later next week. I have to make that 1/4 of a tank stretch.
I smell good.
I worry about money a lot. I don't make a lot of it, and what i do make almost automatically goes to the things i need to pay for, like my computer and car and gas. I rarely spend money on anything else, and those aren't the only bills I have, those are just the ones that I pay. I have one or two other ones that my parents' picked up when I quit my miserable excuse for a full time job because me working 20 hours a week isn't covering everything that I was able to pay before, like my cell phone bill or my insurance on my car or when I need clothes or if i am just out somewhere and get hungry and want to stop for some fries at mcdonald's. But it allows me to go back to school full time, pretty much. Well, 12 hours isn't a lot of classes, just 4, but if i added any more classes I wouldn't be able to work as much therefore I would have even less money that I have now, which wouldn't be all that good.
I started to have doubts about what I really want to do here lately. I mean, what the hell can I do with a bachelor's degree in English. I do not, repeat, do not want to teach. I couldn't stand elementary school/junior high/high school when i was there, let alone could i stand working in one and having to see what i went through all over again in the kids that are coming up now. Fuck that. I rarely had a teacher that I thought was cool, that actually enjoyed teaching. Maybe 2 or 3, but that's pushing it, really. I have yet to really have one in college. It's like its a burden that they are there and that we are there and who really cares anyway? I did want to write as my career, but i don't do it anymore. I have nothing there, the passion that may have never really been there in the first place is gone. The only thing I write anymore are these online things because it is an outlet for me, but me bitching all the time isn't going to pay the bills, you know? I no longer write poetry, if the things i wrote before could be considered such, my attempts at short stories fall considerably short to be classified as anything. Bleh.
I was thinking for a while, and still am to a point, of going to "library school" b/c I have pretty much fallen into that profession. I have worked at a library for the last 3 and a half years. I like it alright. It is a good job, relitively stress free, except the occasional run in with someone, but that is going to happen in any job regardless. But the thing that keeps getting me is, do I really want to do that? And I can never give myself a striaght answer. The answer is "yes" for the following reasons: 1. It is a stable field to go into. I can always find a job for a librarian pretty much. 2. It pays decent and would give Joel and me enough money to start a family and be quite comfortable financially. 3. I would get decent vacation time and paid holidays. 4. it's pretty damn easy to do from what I have heard. The work to get there is plentiful, but in reality it isn't that hard to become a librarian, but i could be wrong.
The answer is "no" for the reasons of that I am not entirely sure that I want to do that for the rest of my life as a career. I always saw myself doing something else with my life, not sitting behind a desk telling people their videos will be due back in three days. I always thought the creative juices would flow and I would do something else, but I don't think i was really a writer in the first place and that I am better off with the books and poetry that other people have written. I have a year and a half to really worry about it. I may not even get into Grad school, and if i did, i doubt I would be able to afford it. I already owe the student loan people my first born child. I was a lazy high schooler and never looked into scholarships or anything that would let me go to school for free. If i had that to do over again I would, because my college career has been nothing to me other than a pain in the ass.