I was in some mood the other night and I was talking to Joel (like I do) and saying that I felt like I was bitter and mean and that is why I don't see any of my friends anymore. They don't call me or e-mail me or anything because...well, who the hell wants to hang out with a bitter and angry Jessica? I know I don't. Yes I have said some things about some people that were not very nice. I am not apologizing for them. I have apologized way too much in my life for things that aren't even my fault. I'm not saying that the things I said or did weren't my fault, they are, I mean, I said them.
I said them, it happened and nothing can take them back, no matter what I can do or say. I don't know if the current situation I have with my friends is that I have changed and they haven't or I haven't changed and they have. I can't tell. I have been in a nostalgic mood lately. (I blame it on the weather.) I have been thinking about old school times. Really old school. Like when N, S, and myself would go to the movies every weekend and hangout. S would comment on how much he loved N's vibrating car, we would make fun of him and the lack of evidence that S had a mother b/c for the longest time we never met her. I have also been thinking about K and how damn crazy she was and no matter how shitty her life was at the time she would come up with some quote about the situation that needed to be recorded and put into a book it was so damn funny and right for the situation, but we were always too inebriated to remember what the fuck we were just talking about and it was lost with all our other brain cells. When was the last time we gave out a "deep award" for some ridiculous insight someone had? Friction has occurred in the chain and things will never be the same again. We split, had different people in and out that not everyone agreed with causing more friction. People I was never even introduced to and couldn't tell you who they were to save my life occupy the vacant spaces that have developed over time. We have different ideas. Different beliefs. Different priorities that conflict. What is good for one isn't necessarily good for the others. This is the reason I am never around. I don't think I have anything to contribute. Things have shifted to a different place and I don't know where I fit in now. As I look back on things, yeah I had a good time, but I don't really see where I fitted in there, besides being the "baby". I was the impressionable one. The innocence that could be molded into...whatever. I have grown up a lot since the beginning of my development of deep relationships, I am not as naive as I once was. My duty is over I guess. I no longer fit into my former place. I'm just kind of there, hovering. I guess I'm just trying to let go of things, and this is a good way for me to do that. If I write things out, I can figure them out easier and perhaps I can do something about it, or someone will read it and understand.