World of Wings

Coming On

I can always feel them coming on because I delve into myself. You see, my problem is I don't have them enough. I have one like every two or three years when my meds start fading...when I do have one or I am on the brink of having one I totally subcomb (sp?) to it.

Right now I feel like I have no one. I have my husband, I know and he will always be there, but I need someone like I had Summer or Kat. I need my constant shoulder. My "cry to guy" (or girl).

I think I am going to list what all may have helped bring this on:

Changing from Prozac 40 mg to Lexapro 20 mg
Summer moving out
Illness
My weight
Work
Bonnie's death
Loratabs (now on a daily basis)
No end to this pain

I am jealous of everyone I know right now...and the worst is I think I am becoming like my grandma. I called my mom crying hysterically "Mama...I think I have it...mama I'm hearing things!" I could hear mom's heart skip a beat. She breathed heavily and asked what I was talking about. "These voices...three times I have heard them...I thought they were next door at first, but I heard them today while I was getting out of the truck".

I know you think I am crazy now, but I'm not. I don't talk much about my illness on my diaries or blogs, but somehow, somewhere I have to get it out. It is so hard to look at my husband and tell him those words. He knows how sick my grandma is and it scares him to death when I have my breakdowns. He does everything he can to get me past them. The last one I had was two years ago when I went into a "coma" like state and stared into space for hours,. seizing up when he touched me.

Back to my conversation with mom. After much talking it was decided that I REALLY may be hearing voices, but real ones. Maybe my neighbors or something. I could be really hearing them, though as I am stressed out right now and I get jumpy when I am stressed. The other theory? Bob...our townhouse ghost. It could be that, too. The point is I am past the age to get the disease as most women succumb to it in their teens like grandma did. My mom did divulge that she worried about me all through my teenage years, especially when I was in the hospital with my depression, thinking I would get it. Mama said she went through the same panic attacks about herself. She also said since I don't think the voices are talking to me that is a good sign. I hear them talking to each other. It could be my neighbors...god I hope its my neighbors.

Know whats not fair?

You tell people you have Cancer and they sympathize with you.

You tell people you have a mental illness and they want to run.

I'm so scared sometimes. I am scared I will wake up and be like her. How horrible does that sound?

I'm scared I will end up like Bonnie...not knowing where to turn and ending it all.

I want her back so bad. Its not fair. I keep reminding myself it is not fair for anyone to do that to themselves, bust sometimes it is so hard.

I'll keep holding on with all my might. My smile will still be there. I just can't fight these feelings and that is what scares me the most.

Posted by Shannon_50 at June 24, 2004 06:37 PM