THIS is why my mom had no idea when I was fourteen.
THIS is why my mom has no clue.
Our conversation?
"Mom....please come to the doctor with me tommorrow." - Shannon
(This is the one thing I have asked her to do since my liver biopsy last year)
"No, I am swamped here at work." - Mom
"Mom, I need you. I can't do this anymore, please...." - S
"What is it now?" - Mom
"Mom I hurt...I can't stop. I had to go to the ER last night for another Demerol shot and my pain management doctor does nothing but tell me to take more Klonipin...I can't take it anymore. It turns me into a zombie." -S
"That is something you need to discuss with your doctor." -M
"I know, but they always give me the same old spill...take the Klonipin, get shots, take a Klonipin, go to the ER if you hurt that bad. He would not even give me one pill to make it through to night. I was hurting so bad the night before last I was throwing up." -S
"Talk to your doctor about it." -M
"I am...mom you don't seem to understand. I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE. I don't care anymore. I can't do this anymore!!! I hurt ALL the time. I can't sleep unless I dope myself up and I can't not hurt unless I dope myself up. I'm trying to tell you...please come and just help me. Mom...I am serious." -S
"You need to talk to your doctor." -S
And for the first time in 11 years the words fall out of my mouth.
"Mom...I really don't want to be here anymore. Mom...I really want to just lay down and not feel anything. I want to die...I don't care. Please help me." -S
"I really feel you need to talk to your doctor." -M
"Bye mom" -S
Click
I HAVE TALKED TO MY GODDAMN FUCKING DOCTOR MORE THAN I TALK TO MY OWN FUCKING HUSBAND. I HAVE THREATENED TO HAVE THIS SHIT CUT OUT OF ME. I HURT AND GODDAMNIT IT AIN'T JUST PHYSICAL PAIN!!
MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Note: Please don't call or write shit to me like "don't do it" or "everything will be fine". This has nothing to do with my friends, it has to do with me and hearing that shit right now will just upset me more. Let me feel the way I feel right now. Please.
You know I have been off the Lori's for two days now. Granted, I have been taking Concerta to help with the withdrawal backlash, I feel I am doing good.
The pain is atroucious (did I spell that right?) and I feel like I am a empty shell walking, smiling, making plans and working.
What else can I do? What else is there to do? How do I claw myself out of this and be the person I am meant to be? I can't look at a person in the face and say "I want to die" and I can't stay being the person everyone expects me to be.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I can sit on the floor and read Froggy's fucking Marching Band to pre-schoolers with a smile on myself and burst into tears as soon as I reach the bathroom.
What can't I just take a handful of this and that and become a zombie for the rest of my life? Why? I like my thoughts...I like my dreams. I want to stay there. Where it is painless and pill less. No doctors anywhere and no nurses looking at me like I am stupid.
I know what my excuse for today is.
Its just the way the medication makes me......
Posted by Shannon_50 at January 18, 2005 05:01 PM