I guess it is easier to identify your feeling, to admit them, even if they are not the best feeling. Try to stop lying to yourself…. your okay…. everything’s perfect.
Then you watch as the little eighteen year olds walk by, stomachs large and swollen, nowhere near ready for mother hood, yet they have what I want and it makes me so
Jealous
Mad
Sad
We quit trying long ago. It was not worth it anymore. We did everything we were supposed to do and nothing worked. Everything within in our means, that is. Unlike the rich people and the famous people, we cannot afford all of the medical shit, including the pills and procedures. We can’t afford to adopt, either, and I don’t want to go through that much pain if there is a chance everything would fall through (like with Maynard’s adoptive parents).
Then there are the people who tell me that if I cannot afford all of that than I shouldn’t have a baby. Excuse me? Do the little girls still in high school deserve a baby while I sit at home wishing that two lines will show up…just this once? Do people like Brittany fucking Spears deserve a child when that is what I have wanted my whole life? If I shouldn’t have a baby, if I am not ready than why in the world do I ache so badly when I see one and tear up when I walk by the baby aisle in any store? Subconsciously I have been avoiding those areas and it was not until this weekend when I finally realized I was doing it.
I love Cliff…he has helped so much, but it is not the same.
All of this is not helping my depression. All of this is not helping the fact that sometimes I lie in bed at night and cry myself to sleep while my husband plays video games down below. There are so many factors. I have to go to sleep with a mask on my face every morning and even though I was promised it would help me stay awake, I still feel like shit. I can hardly move in certain directions because if I do I will pull my ribs and go through a living hell for a week. I am so overweight it is killing me, literally, and I can’t seem to stop eating. Comfort maybe? Our financial situation is shit, the Toyota is broken down and the one thing I have wanted my whole life may never happen.
Gone now.
PS Never where pants that swish, quit wearing hills that click click so loud I can hear them a block away, quit yelling at your kids, quit telling me you don’t need help you little giggly, spoiled girls and just as I am getting into my work tell me you do and quit BREATHING in my general direction!