November 18, 2004
Make it stop
I now understand I am addicted to these GOD DAMN pain pills. I looked up some forums and saw so many symptoms I have when I try to stop taking them and I know now they are withdrawal symptoms.
Stomach ache
Headache
Chills
Achy body
Restlessness
Jumpyness
Cold sweats
My body is used to having its daily dose of 15 mg of hydrocodone a day. Thank god I have not moved up to as many mg that some of the people on the forum have. I could never imagine taking 40 - 50 mg a day. My pain management doc said one of the main reasons he gave me the clonopins was to get me off the Lori's. So tonight I will take my usual ten to relax, take my night time Clon. and start fresh tommorrow morning. I am seeing my regular doctor at 3 and I am going to talk to him about giving me something to keep me awake during the day since I get so tired and spaced out around 1 in the afternoon. Atleast until I am off these things.
I'm scared and I don't want to do this. Every thought in my brain is "don't worry...it's for pain", "Just one more", "You can quit tommorrow". The thing is that I have been taking them a full year! I am so used to them and I start freaking out when I reach the end of a bottle. Maybe I should try a NA meeting around here or something. I don't know how this will go. If I am out of it for the next week or so....please just forgive me. Last time I tried to quit I cried to Paul that I needed one...so bad that he bought me one. I wonder what life is like without them. I don't want to end up listless and tired on the couch like I did last time I tried to quit. Moody, too.
Wish me luck!
November 17, 2004
Blabby
Everyone is gone and I am sitting here typing and waiting for my Clonipine to kick in so I can smoke a cigarette and go upstairs to curl up with the baby. This is the second night this week that we have had Maynard overnight and according to his dad he really gets excited when he tells him he is coming over. He is not a difficult baby, in fact sometimes it is like he is not even here. It is nice to wake up in the morning and see that little face smiling up to me!
In other news...I wanted to get home tonight and veg out in front of the television and paint, but that was not going to happen. It has been awhile since Kat has visited (not that she has not called. Poor thing probably thinks I am tired all the time. Most of the time she calls and we are fighting with Cliff or I am exhausted so she does not come over.) so tonight she made it clear we were going to have our time together no matter what. She made dinner for us (Krik and Chris showed up too) and we watched "Chicago". I forgot how nice it is to cuddle up with her and watch television or just bum out. I also got the new Kareoke Revolution (#3) last night and it has kick ass duet modes so before and after the movie we all made fools of ourselves singing. Atleast we were not doing Dance Revolution...that is MUCH worse now that we have the eye cam and can see ourselves on the television! About nine Travis dropped the baby off for another over night visit (we kept him Sunday night too) and we played with him for a few hours. Even though I did not get my "alone" time I still enjoyed myself. I am glad the house is quiet again and that this does not happen often.
Sunday night I was going to write a big entry about the "Cold Case" I saw earlier that night, but I could not type through my tears. This one was about a guy who got killed in 1983 and he just so happened to be homosexual. The year 1983 was also the real start of the AIDS virus and gay men and women were being killed and harrassed all over. People were afraid to come out of the closet because they were being called murderers. The show part did not upset me as much as the end. At the end one of the men who was in some of the 1983 flashbacks had grown older and worked in a petshop. He looked out the window and saw a gay couple with a baby in a slig looking at the puppies in the window. The men were very openly gay and one was white and the other Mexican. The man who saw them stopped for a minute and smiled and I knew what he had to be thinking (I know he is an actor, but I also know what a man in his position would be thinking in real life). I am sure he was thinking about how much we have changed and grown since 1983. It gave me hope that in twenty-five years when I generation is in charge that things will have changed even more. I think gay marriages will not be a issue in twenty-five years. A man and woman will be able to marry the partner of their choice, no matter what sex they are. If we have moved as far as we have since 1983, we can definately move further in 25 more years. I asked W. at work how she voted about the constitution being changed to not allow gay marriages and she said she voted for it to be changed. I asked her if she felt homosexuals were born that way or if they just "chose" to fall in love with the same sex. She said she felt they were born that way. So I asked her how fair it was to take away their right to get married when being homosexual was not their choice. She said she understood what I was saying, but she had been raised totally different since she is almost fifty. I understood what she was saying. Her generation WAS raised totally different than ours. I have hopes that our generation will raise children to be much more open-minded and in twenty-five years we can all respect other people's lifestyles....no matter what. I am grateful my mother raised me as she did. When I am with someone who is homosexual it is not even an issue for me. I could care less. I am not going to sleep or fall in love with this person so what in the hell gives me a right to judge them and their lifestyle? I need to step off this soapbox now because most people who read this journal are probably standing right next to me on the same box!
On a different side I have a few questions to throw out to everyone and I hope you all will reply. This is a little test I am conducting:
1. If you were born and raised in the early 1800's would you have had slaves and would you have agreed with slavery?
2. If you lived in Germany during WWII would you have turned a blind eye to the concentration camp?
3. If you were born and raised in the 1940's or 50's would you have believed in segregation?
Please answer these questions with much thought. Don't just blurt out no. I realise all these thing are horrible and no one would behave that way today, but really imagine that you ere born and raised in the times mentioned above. After you answer those questions answer them again, but this time ask yourself what you would do if you were time traveling from this date to that time. What would you do differently?
That is your homework assignments for the week my loves! :) Thanks for helping me with this little "test"! (In my opinion there is only one answer for all three questions, I wantr to see if anyone else feels the same way)
November 13, 2004
First Time Out
I e-mailed these out and asked everyone for opinions and I thank everyone for their responses. I know these are NO where near professional, but I am really enjoying playing with artistic photography. I did some last night and tonight. I want a model who is not me and Kat has agreed, so hopefully those will be here soon! I included on here the origional versions of some of these pics!
Double chin pic
The only picture of me I have ever liked with a double chin!
Grainy noe more
Most seemed to like this one the best, of course it was "grainiy" when I e-mailed out.
Paul's favorite
This is Paul's favorite....I am not sure why.
November 09, 2004
Travis the Thong Boy
I feel compelled to link the following for everyone to giggle at with me!
It was no just ketchup and mustard either...the poor boy came out of it being pissed on, thrown up on and sand thrown at him. He did manage to get his tickets, a ride on the party bus and extra tickets to another band playing here on the coast this week. This was the strangest reason I was ever given to babysit and while listening to his dad on the radio Maynard was screaming "GO DADDY!" and pointing and clapping.
That boy deserved those tickets!! :)
PS: Joel...why do my entries disappear after a few days? Have I done something wrong? Please...come sleep with me!?!?!
November 03, 2004
Damn it all to hell
Welcome to Hell, folks! Whenever I see that son of a bitch's face on TV or in a newspaper I plan on turning the channel and throwing out the paper. Thanks for trying, Kerry! Paul asked me the other night how I felt about moving overseas to get out of this pit of shit we are in and I think we are seriously considering it. I don't want to be part of a country that goes to war with the wrong people for no reason, takes medical help away from people who need it and raises taxes for the poor people and not even touching the rich people's moeny. Because the rich people donate to your little fucking campaign to stay in power so you can continue fucking up people's lives like they are your puppets.
Not to be misunderstood...I do support our troops. They are doing the job they signed up for and I really respect that. Don't let that little prick tell you otherwise! I also support the innocent people in Iraq who are dying right now because we're being bullies.
What the hell is wrong with you people? Can you not see what is happening?
The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is in four years when the jackass HAS to leave office. By then he probably will have changed things so that he can stay in office, thought. Selfish, stupid prick is taking us all down with him.