January 18, 2005
Don't start...just let me get it out
THIS is why my mom had no idea when I was fourteen.
THIS is why my mom has no clue.
Our conversation?
"Mom....please come to the doctor with me tommorrow." - Shannon
(This is the one thing I have asked her to do since my liver biopsy last year)
"No, I am swamped here at work." - Mom
"Mom, I need you. I can't do this anymore, please...." - S
"What is it now?" - Mom
"Mom I hurt...I can't stop. I had to go to the ER last night for another Demerol shot and my pain management doctor does nothing but tell me to take more Klonipin...I can't take it anymore. It turns me into a zombie." -S
"That is something you need to discuss with your doctor." -M
"I know, but they always give me the same old spill...take the Klonipin, get shots, take a Klonipin, go to the ER if you hurt that bad. He would not even give me one pill to make it through to night. I was hurting so bad the night before last I was throwing up." -S
"Talk to your doctor about it." -M
"I am...mom you don't seem to understand. I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE. I don't care anymore. I can't do this anymore!!! I hurt ALL the time. I can't sleep unless I dope myself up and I can't not hurt unless I dope myself up. I'm trying to tell you...please come and just help me. Mom...I am serious." -S
"You need to talk to your doctor." -S
And for the first time in 11 years the words fall out of my mouth.
"Mom...I really don't want to be here anymore. Mom...I really want to just lay down and not feel anything. I want to die...I don't care. Please help me." -S
"I really feel you need to talk to your doctor." -M
"Bye mom" -S
Click
I HAVE TALKED TO MY GODDAMN FUCKING DOCTOR MORE THAN I TALK TO MY OWN FUCKING HUSBAND. I HAVE THREATENED TO HAVE THIS SHIT CUT OUT OF ME. I HURT AND GODDAMNIT IT AIN'T JUST PHYSICAL PAIN!!
MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Note: Please don't call or write shit to me like "don't do it" or "everything will be fine". This has nothing to do with my friends, it has to do with me and hearing that shit right now will just upset me more. Let me feel the way I feel right now. Please.
You know I have been off the Lori's for two days now. Granted, I have been taking Concerta to help with the withdrawal backlash, I feel I am doing good.
The pain is atroucious (did I spell that right?) and I feel like I am a empty shell walking, smiling, making plans and working.
What else can I do? What else is there to do? How do I claw myself out of this and be the person I am meant to be? I can't look at a person in the face and say "I want to die" and I can't stay being the person everyone expects me to be.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I can sit on the floor and read Froggy's fucking Marching Band to pre-schoolers with a smile on myself and burst into tears as soon as I reach the bathroom.
What can't I just take a handful of this and that and become a zombie for the rest of my life? Why? I like my thoughts...I like my dreams. I want to stay there. Where it is painless and pill less. No doctors anywhere and no nurses looking at me like I am stupid.
I know what my excuse for today is.
Its just the way the medication makes me......
January 16, 2005
Trying To Enjoy The Changes
I miss everyone.
I want everyone to go away.
I wonder if I will ever feel like myself witthout these pills.
A visit to my doc seems to be called for.
My side hurts and I hate the klonipin. Others say it makes them numb, it turns me into a zombie that hurts inside.
"Shaun of the Dead" kicks much ass......"Troy" is too manly for me. I guess I am a girly girl.
Happy Birthday Shanna!!
I'll make you an extra special cake.
2005 and much changed last year.
Jessica is happily married
Kat is home
Paul and I have a "child"
My mother has her first boyfriend in 14 years
We are now the proud owners of Mr. Harvey
"The Bitch" retired at work
Summer is engaged
I know there is more, but I just can't think right now.
Capricorns do not like change and I detest it....it scares me even though it is for the good of everyone.
Cliff broke his arm after he fell off the bike he got for Christmas.
Here is picture of the birthday girl!! I also added a picture of the crane that visits our creek. I did a lot of gardening today and I hope it comes to life in the spring. I have more tulips and rose bushed now.
I am babbling!
January 10, 2005
January 09, 2005
Tired. Went to "Cats" with Kat tonight. Her big surprise was the fact that she is friends with one of the technician's and we got a backstage tour and got to walk around the stage. We watched the dancers apply their makeup and I made friends with a really cool woman who does the wigs on the dancers. I hate to take pictures because I feel like oine of those freaky and obsessed fans. Kat got a couple of us on the stage and with one of the cast members. She also took some makeup shots. I'm keeping this short, I know, but I feel like shit and my bed is calling.
Disney World and first plane ride in Febuary. Hopefully by then my taxes will be in and we get to claim Cliff this year.
More money for all of us on the trip.
Ending this with a picture of my Harvey Boy. He can make anyone smile!!
