February 20, 2005
Teenage-Angst
I read a few of the entries the "kids" from DreamWeaver's wrote in their online journals and I had to smile. It is wierd that they have all grown up, yet its sad in a way, too. I discovered something in myself while reading them and I guess the main thing is: I have officially grown up. There is much bickering and girlfriend switching for them...and I know now that I think about it it was the same for us at that age. The thing that disturbs me is that some of the people are my age. Some of them are the ones I hung out with when I was 18 and 19 and they are still acting the same way. How long can you live with your parents and play role playing games? Should'nt there be some cut off age and did most of them not ever see "Romeo" when they hung out at DreamWeaver's? (For those of you who don't know who I am referring to Romeo was a man in his early 30's whose mom would drop him off with a cooler and he would stay at DW's all during open hours and play Magic and eat Ragu).
I don't ever think I could go back to that place again.
It was fun while it lasted and I met so many people and the people I love today, but I could not live through my "teenage-angst" years again. The strange thing is that some people cannot leave that phase.
To each his own, I guess.
Now smile...I am putting up two pictures of Jessica...she's so beautiful!!! :)
February 14, 2005
Valentine
And now I interrupt your regularly scheduled program for the following:
Valentine’s Day
I was five when I got my first boyfriend. His name was Joey. I remember that much. We would play in the courtyard of our apartments and steal mail together. He asked me to “be his girlfriend” when we were playing “dungeon”. This game consisted of the girls getting chained to the wall with make believe chains while the boys strutted around interrogating us. Joey was the guy who saved us. We would hole up under the concrete stairs in the courtyard and open mail…making sure to throw away the boring stuff (one time I threw away some ladies social security check and she found out and I was threatened by my mother with death) and keep the fun birthday invitations and cards. Joey and I were only dating a week when I went to his house on Valentine’s Day to drop his card off and I realized he and his family had moved away. I cried all night.
When I was twelve I was in love with the boy who lived two townhouses down from me. I thought he was the most beautiful, deep and thoughtful boy. This is when I realized that I liked to “mother” people as well. The Capricorn came out of me full force as I tried to help him get away from his 120 lb. father who beat his 300 lb. mother. Now that I look back on it I wonder why I felt so concerned for his mother and the kids. I mean, come on folks, the woman was huge and we all knew she had an advantage over him. This was when my family lived in the projects. Believe it or not this was one of the best times in my life. Eric (that was his name) almost kissed me the night before we moved out, but it was not meant to be. We did spend most of the night swinging in the park and talking about life. Eric was the guy I thought I about when I listened to “Boyz II Men” and sang “I Will Always Love You” (I WAS TWELVE!). I wonder what ever happened to him and his family. I hope they made it through.
When I was fourteen I started dating Neil. Ohhhh…Neil. I went to an all black school and I was one of only 50 white kids that attended (in an interesting side note the college scene from “Big Fish” was filmed on the old campus which closed down a few years ago) and most of the other white kids were in gangs, listened to rap or got the shit beat out of them. Neil was a breath of fresh air with his huge skater shorts and flannel shirt. My best friend, Diane, dated his best friend Ryan. Neil and Ryan introduced me to “grunge” and I bought my first CD’s ever (Beck, Counting Crows, Green Day and Crash Test Dummies), smoked my first joint and bought my first flannel. Neil and I broke up on good terms and still talked about three years after I moved to Mississippi. We have since lost touch, but I will always remember my first true boyfriend. Not only did he teach me I could be different, but he made me laugh more than I ever had in my life. I still have the letters he wrote me and it was not until three years ago that I was finally able to throw away his old flannel which had hung in my closet for years.
Then there was Rodney. I am not going into details about this. Most of you guys know that sad pitiful story. Yes, I am happily married and in love with my husband, but there are times when I think of Rodney and still get that rush of warmness in my body and I have to smile at the memories. The sad thing is I have kept mainly the good memories in my head and sometimes I have to try to remember the bad times to see what kind of idiot I was back then. I don’t know what it was about him. I had never loved someone so much that I would forget to eat, cry myself to sleep and just melt into his arms when he touched me. He knew how to push my buttons. I remember the times he would sneak up behind me and put his arms around me and pull me close while he whispered into my ear. I remember going to take a shower and locking the door, only to have him bang on it and when I let him in he kissed me so passionately…”Don’t ever lock me out….” He whispered into my ear. How could such an ass do those things? How could he be so mean and then so loving five seconds later? I noticed a year ago that Paul threw out the stuffed animal Rodney had given me (his only gift to me) a few months before we stopped seeing each other. I don’t know if Paul knew where I got it or what it was, but it hurt to realize it was gone because it was the only thing I had to remind me of Rodney. I wish I still had it. I think everyone needs to go through that kind of passionate hardcore relationship before they meet the person they are meant for. I needed that experience to realize that I was ready when it came to Paul. I fit into this groove with Paul and I think if I had not been with Rodney I would not be the person I am today and I may not even be with Paul. As much of an ass as he was he did do that for me. If it were not for him I would still be too scared to give myself completely to someone. If he and I had ever gotten “serious” we would have killed each other. I think every one needs a “first love” before they meet their “true love”.
Now we have reached Paul. What can I say that you all don’t know already? We have been through hell, but we have made it and we are still together after seven years. We are so comfortable with each other and we can click on almost anything. When we sit together and talk it is like we have been together for our whole life. I can’t imagine a future without him. I think the reason we have so many animals is because it makes us both feel wonderful to share in the experience of taking care of things together. Clifford has only brought us closer. Sometimes I stare at him and I can feel the surge of love I have for him. Sometimes I lie on the couch or bed and think of how all this is “ours” and the word “I” never enters my thoughts. I get a little twinge of happiness when he goes to the store and brings me back something totally off the wall that admired a month before just because he knew I would like it. When he pulls me closer to him in bed I want to shower him with kisses. Paul is truly the love of my life.
There have been others…I won’t sound like a slut and name them, but I never felt the way about them that I did with these four.
In closing I want to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” to all of you guys because I love you all so much! Sometimes I fear I would not be here if it was not for my friend’s strength and support. I smile each time I think of all of you and how happy I know you are with your significant others. How brilliant is it that we are now grown women and men with husbands and wives of our own (or significant others). It also shows our great love and respect for each other in the fact that we have stood together so long and not criticized the other’s choices. When Jessica and Joel come to my house I feel so good inside when I see how everyone gets along so well. It is not like losing a friend, but gaining others. Everyone brings something to the table. It wouldn’t be the same without you.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!
Love,
Shannon